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Seeking Strength and Clarity

After 30 minutes of  Slow Movement,  I lay down and began internal Shafi chanting (to Heal, to Cure) with breathing. The chant was gentle. Inhaling ‘sha‘, exhaling ‘fi‘. At first my feet and ankles felt cold and light. Part of my mind wandered discursively, but part of mind was focused on chant and big, deep breathing. When I could draw my whole mind to what I was doing, I noticed that my ankles and feet gradually warmed and felt more placed on the floor.

I continued. I noticed at one point a slight impulse — actually a thin thought — about moving my left leg. My Witnessing Self knew that moving — really a slight fidget – would mean about 30″ to a minute of reconnecting to my deepening relaxation, so I decided not to move but instead to breathe more deeply into the area. Almost immediately afterward I had a brain tantrum — a loud, brash, 2-yr-old blaze of mind activity. There was no emotion, no anger or frustration, but just a mental pattern. My Witness Self recognized instantly that this was my habituated mind reacting to a choice to ignore its subliminal suggestion to fidget my left leg. I realize that fidgeting is my way of avoiding continuous focus and of learning.

This juncture passed and I sank deeper into gravity, into my breath. Over the course of 10 minutes I shifted inward a gear or two. Then I slid my legs down and rested.

On Reflection
Though this chant didn’t reach an expanded place, it was an excellent weight-lifting session. I have difficulty finding a kind way of being disciplined. In recent years in Dancemeditation, I’ve been adjusting harsh, punitive disciplinarian-ness of my professional dance years. I seek strength and clarity which require the cultivation of will, but that will mustn’t be a willfulness reeking of domination (which, oddly, might be a form of greed, yes? Want. want, want, my way, my way, my way, etc.) During the Shafi chant, I glimpsed my rebellious side as a two-year-old rebellion.

Insight
My battle has moved into the mental plane. (The emotional level seems settled.) Rebellion shows up as a mental pattern. This is potent information for me. I ‘feel’ my old emotions — their staleness and non-immediateness, but old mental templates are tough to apperceive. We have a cultural prejudice toward considering the mind as a fresh, fluid, objective territory, but in the Shafi chant I saw that it can be fixed in a rut without the sense of being able to tell, feeling-wise, that this is so.

 

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    2 Comments
    1. Fascinating…..the urge to move and how that brings one out of deep meditation, the fragility of this shell we wear, the way mediation plays upon the shell….and rebellion. I struggle with that all the time, though lately I’ve just been noting and going on and doing mediation, but I have to do a decisive Osho active meditation that my reluctant mind somehow allows because the segments are 5 minutes and change and there is set structure. If I do the Osho meditation for a set number of days, there comes a yearning, a deep sigh, for dancemeditation, and all of me, mind, body, soul slip into it like going under water. The depth is precious, a peak experience, but I can never maintain only dancemeditation practice. I have to fall back on the Osho to make myself mediate at all, still something so strong and resistant in me that I feel fortunate I meditate at all………..

      January 12, 2012
    2. I so empathize with your last statement. I also crave depth yet find it elusive. And even little morsels of meditation become triumphs. Well, that is how we are, how we live, and that’s okay. I sense that you feel that way as well. We do our best. The regularity of practice is really a window into just this predicament. When we are thirsty, sips are better than nothing at all.

      January 12, 2012

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